I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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