I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
