Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
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