just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm just crazy horny about you
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
