everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Randomize
