dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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