There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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