im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
