Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
