my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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