I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
