Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
