I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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