Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
