drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
