I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Let's paint friendship bongs
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
