Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize