The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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