Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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