So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
