I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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