Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
