I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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