so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
The power of my boobs compel you
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
