I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
