I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
