but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
