I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
