That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
