I molested 6 butterflies tonight
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
