no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
