I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
