I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
