my phone needs a breathalizer
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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