I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
