According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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