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then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I think your dad took our porno
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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