He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
