i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
