I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Barsexuality is the new black.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
