fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
