I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
