i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
