Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
