she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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