I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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