i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
