How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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