I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
