My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
