My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
