I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
