How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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