So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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