Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
