i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
