You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
